Distinguishing between "passive", "aggressive" and "assertive" behavior

Passive behavior is described as not resisting or not acting. It moves against the self by saying, "I’ll give up anything to avoid displeasure and to gain approval." It can be:

• Physical: withdrawal from a situation by walking out, leaving the room sleeping too much or using addictive activities or substances
• Verbal: silence or lying, hinting, pretending to understand, or falsely saying, "That’s okay."

Aggressive behavior moves against others and implies that I have the right to patronize, put others down, dominate or humiliate them in order to get what I want.

• Physical: violent behavior towards individuals or groups
• Nonverbal: Body language ("If looks could kill"), tone of voice, shaking the head, snorting, rolling the eyes, exaggerated sighing etc.
• Verbal: insults, put-downs, profanity, blaming, sarcasm etc.
• Passive aggressive: pouting, procrastinating, "forgetting", dawdling, "the silent treatment", manipulative tears etc.

Assertive behavior honors the self while honoring others. The assertive person authentically cares for others and at the same time engages in God-pleasing self care. Assertive people are honest, sensitive, straightforward. They exhibit the following attitudes and behaviors: Assertive Christians…

• Believe they have options
• Are proactive
• Believe God values each person (including themselves!)
• Are motivated by love
• Stand up for themselves without excessive anxiety or apologies
• Are people of integrity (wholeness = holiness) The outside reveals the inside. (Let your yes be yes, and your no be no—Jesus.)
• Accept their own limitations and the limitations of others
• Practice self-revelation within appropriate personal boundaries
• Can choose to behave assertively, aggressively, or passively as Jesus did
• Believe that every person has certain basic human rights (see handout)

Deciding if, when and where to be assertive

Is this a problem or just something I don’t like or find inconvenient?

• Pay attention to your feelings, especially when a situation happens repeatedly. Don’t minimize or say, "It doesn’t matter" when it does.
• Think about your goals in life. Ask yourself if the way you are now behaving helps you reach those goals. Does this behavior help you to be a loving Christian respectful of others and yourself as children of God?
• Could someone else be hurt or harmed by your current passive or aggressive behavior?

Is this the time and place to address the problem? Some problems need to be taken care of immediately; others are best approached with careful timing and sensitivity. Also choose the place. A public statement may need to be addressed publicly, while others require privacy and a neutral, calm atmosphere.

• What are my chances of at least a small measure of success initially? Don’t "catastrophize" and presume that "this will never work". Take at least a small step towards your goal.
• Am I willing to invest time and energy, and endure some risk, in order to make the change? "You cannot change another person’s behavior; you have to change your own, and hope that the other might change in response…"
• Will I stay relatively cam while I try some new behaviors, not letting fears or anxieties overwhelm me? Stress accompanies all change. You will probably have to cope with fear—fear of others’ reaction to your new behavior, fear of the unknown, fear of losing the approval of people important to you. Weigh the temporary discomfort against the potential for a new, healthy balance and the genuine pleasure of mutual respect.

What to say when you want to be assertive

• You need to say something. Don’t wait for the perfect opening.
• Be honest; say exactly what you want and need.
• Use "I messages". Own your feelings and opinions. Replace, "You make me so angry when you…" with, "I feel angry when you…because…" (No one can make you angry. You choose to become angry because of the way you interpret someone’s actions. You are in charge of your emotions.)
• Use "I want" statements. (I + a specific request.) Don’t expect others to read your mind as to your preferred outcome. Using these kind of statements is very difficult for people who are habitually indirect because they believe that only other people have a right to "wants".
• Combine the two. For example: "I get annoyed when you use the telephone from 7 to 10pm. In the future, I would like to have some time to make and receive calls during the early evening."
• Avoid labeling. Calling someone stupid or lazy just makes him or her defensive. Your evaluation of their behavior isn’t helpful. Describe the behavior and your feelings, not your opinion about it.
• Be concise. Don’t rattle on with explanations.
• Don’t apologize for asserting yourself. You do not have to justify your feelings, whine, or plead with people.
• Avoid sarcasm. It’s aggressive and belittles the other while hiding your feelings, thus preventing constructive communication.
• Be as persistent as necessary. Gently but firmly repeat what you do or do not want when someone cajoles you to change your mind.

What to do when you want to be assertive?

Eighty to ninety percent of all communication is nonverbal. It also reflects the unconscious mind more than verbal responses. As a result, most people will believe nonverbal behavior more than your words. Therefore you need to:

• Look the way you feel. Don’t smile when you say you’re angry.
• Use assertive gestures. They should flow naturally. Avoid aggressive finger pointing or clenching your fists. Likewise avoid passive gestures such as wringing your hands, fidgeting, or jingling coins or keys.
• Speak clearly. No mumbling or monotones, likewise avoid yelling etc.
• Face the person. Perhaps even lean a bit toward them
• Maintain eye contact. Be comfortably direct. Avoid hostile staring or looking up, down and around the person. This conveys uncertainty.
• Be aware of your bodily orientation. It should be similar to the people you are addressing. If they’re standing you stand. If they sit, you sit. Don’t stand too close. It’s threatening and prevents others from hearing you.
• Pay attention to the quality of your voice. Use a tone that is firm, warm and expressive. Avoid a high-pitched, whiny tone. Oddly enough, smiling as you speak makes your voice higher, whiny and more nasal. (Try it!) Speak at a moderate speed.
• LISTEN! How else will you know if you have been heard? You might stop after a while and say, "Does this make sense to you?" etc. Listening is one way to show respect to the other person. Summarize what you heard them say. Repeat your request firmly but gently, if necessary. You might ask them to summarize what they heard you say.

Responding to requests

This is based on two rights:

1.) Others have the right to make requests and

2.) You have the right to grant, refuse or negotiate their requests. You also have a right to all the information you need to be fully aware of the nature of the request.

If you have trouble saying "no", you may also have trouble saying "yes" when you really want to. Your decision making process is dependent on others and you do violence to yourself in order to please or feel accepted. To be true to yourself and to properly honor the requests of others, you need to be able to say an assertive yes as well as an assertive no.

You can grant a request with a reservation. If asked to baby-sit for someone, you might say that you have two hours only and that you need to know what provisions they will make to have someone else take over after two hours. If they have no provisions yet, you can ask them to call you by a certain time when they do. If they cannot meet your provision, you can refuse the request while indicating that you would be glad to accommodate them when you are less pressed. (If that is the case.) You do not have to explain and may not want to if you suspect they will use your explanation to argue with you or try to talk you out of your reservation.

Realize that refusing a request is NOT refusing the entire relationship or rejecting the person. Make that clear to the person if necessary. Furthermore, take the request seriously; don’t try to talk him or her out of it with phrases like "You’re kidding" or "How could you ask that?"

Shouldn’t a Christian be meek?

This word in the Bible means someone who obediently accepts God’s guidance. It does not mean being spineless, submissive, indecisive, weak, spiritless or lacking in self-respect. The meek person is not quickly or easily angered but knows the right time and the right cause for anger. He or she does not strive or overreach for position or status. "Meekness and assertiveness are compatible—indeed, practically identical."

Jesus was both meek and assertive. In addition he sometimes "assertively" chose to be aggressive (as he was with the Pharisees), and sometimes he chose to be passive (as he was with Pilate). Knowing your gifts and your place in the world as a beloved child of God and communicating with God in prayer enables you to make similar God-centered choices.